Gundam Boot Camp
by Lysana
Summary: Gundam Wing/Celebrity Boot Camp crossover. This is my story about how Reality TV torture fics are not funny. Heero, Duo, Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei are forced to compete against each other by an evil fangirl - not me! - and her chibi, at a terrible cost.


Gundam Boot Camp

Summary: Gundam Wing/Celebrity Boot Camp Crossover. This is my story about how Reality TV torture fics are not funny. Heero, Duo, Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei are forced to compete against each other by an evil fangirl - not me! - and her chibi, at a terrible cost.

DISCLAIMER:

1. Authoress and Chibi Authoress are NOT supposed to be me or anyone else real. They are characters I made up for this story.

2. I don't own Gundam Wing or Celebrity Boot Camp.

3. THIS STORY IS NOT FUNNY! Just because Authoress and Chibi Authoress think it is, that does NOT mean they are right.

* * *

Authoress: Well, I had this really great idea for a fic...

Chibi Authoress: You tell 'em!

Authoress: *stares* I am. Anyway, I was watching Celebrity Boot Camp the other day and I thought, 'wouldn't it be funny if someone made the G-boys do this?'

Chibi Authoress: Read and review and tell us what you think!

Authoress: And now...

Chibi Authoress: On with the fic!

* * *

The Gundam pilots blinked and looked around. "Where are we?" Quatre asked, looking puzzled.

A cheerful voice answered him. "You're in my fanfic, of course!" They turned and saw a teenage girl with an unhealthy gleam in her eyes walking towards them.

"It must be another ZERO hallucination," Heero said under his breath. "It doesn't make sense that we would've all just appeared here like this."

The girl laughed. "Oh, it's not a hallucination," she assured them all in a very self-satisfied tone. Waving her arm to indicate the assorted obstacle-course type equipment around them, she added, "You're all here to play Celebrity Boot Camp."

Duo gave her an irate glare. "Look, lady, we don't have time to play games," he told her. "We all have very important things we need to do, so if you'll *excuse* me..." He started to walk past her.

"Oh no you don't!" The girl pointed a finger at him, and Duo was abruptly seated on the ground. "You can call me Authoress, and as long as you're here, I'm the only one with any power!"

There was a blur of movement. Authoress turned her head, smirking, and suddenly Trowa was standing on his head in the dirt. "What the - I can't stand up!"

Authoress laughed at him, pointing with one hand and holding her stomach with the other. "Of course you can't! I'm the Authoress and I have all the AUTHOR POWER! MUWAHAHAHAHA!"

The other three Gundam pilots exchanged a glance, then rushed her all at once. With a flick of her hand, she froze them all in their tracks. "That's better! Now listen up, boys. You're all going to play Celebrity Boot Camp, and there's a special treat for the winner." She looked at each of them in turn. "I won't destroy your home colony!"

"WHAT?"

Authoress grinned widely at their reaction. "There! I thought that would get your attention." She waved her hand, releasing her hold on the pilots. Trowa fell crashing to the ground. The others stayed where they were, frozen. None of them said anything.

"And now to introduce my assistant," Authoress proclaimed. She snapped her fingers and someone else appeared. It was another girl who looked a lot like Authoress, but she was only about three feet tall.

"Hello!" the girl said brightly. "I'm Chibi Authoress!" She smiled, looking a lot like a self-satisfied cat.

Authoress smiled nastily. "Why don't you tell our players the rules, Chibi Authoress?"

"Sure!" Chibi Authoress replied. Turning to the pilots, she went on, "It's Celebrity Boot Camp, so you all have to play against each other in three events and see who gets the best score. There's an endurance test, an obstacle course, and another one for strength and endurance at the end."

"That's hardly a fair competition. Heero's injured." Trowa pointed out the bandage on Heero's upper left arm. There was a small spot of blood on the white fabric. "His arm's badly broken."

Heero looked at Trowa. "I can take care of myself."

"Well, that's no problem then, is it?" Authoress said, dismissing the matter. "It's time for the first event!" She and Chibi Authoress led the way to five waist-high tanks full of ice water. Over the top of each one was a shower head pouring out more cold water.

"Let me guess," Duo said disgustedly. "We're supposed to see who can stand in those the longest."

"You bet," Authoress told him smugly. "Now get in."

The Gundam pilots looked at each other. "We have to do what she says," Heero said quietly. "It's the only way to give one of our colonies a chance." The others nodded.

"Nataku," Wufei whispered, closing his eyes. "You're not here to help me, but I need to be strong anyway."

Each of the pilots got into one of the tanks and stood under the icy shower. "I'll time you!" Chibi Authoress informed them delightedly.

* * *

Heero stood without moving in the freezing water. Below his left arm, the water had turned reddish, mixing with the blood that had soaked through his wet bandage. As he stared straight ahead, the scene in front of him seemed to split in two. With an effort, Heero forced his eyes to refocus.

Quatre was shivering badly. Suddenly his whole body went limp and he fell, collapsing under the water.

Duo jumped out of his tank, ran over to Quatre's, and pulled him out. Then he realized what he'd just done. "Dammit!" he cursed, slamming his right fist into his left hand.

Wufei choked as some of the water went up his nose. Trying to breathe, he scrambled out of the tank. He got his breath back and stood quietly in front of it, head down in defeat.

Trowa just stood there in his tank, icy water dripping down off his bangs.

* * *

It was Heero who finally collapsed. He fell forward onto the edge of his tank, eyes wide open and staring.

"Okay, so Trowa wins that event," Authoress said.

Without saying anything, Trowa stepped out of his tank.

Authoress walked over to Heero's tank. "Come on, it's time for the obstacle course!" She grabbed him by the hair and pulled him out of his tank.

Heero hit the ground and woke up. "I lost." He stood up.

"Now then," Authoress said, "why don't you tell them about the obstacle course, Chibi Authoress?"

Chibi Authoress grinned. "First you have to dig through the sand under that wall," she said, pointing. "Then you have to climb across that big net over there, climb up and over that other wall, crawl through the row of hanging tires, and then run to the finish line."

Authoress nodded. "That's right! You're first, Heero."

Heero walked to the starting line of the obstacle course.

"Ready... set... GO!" Chibi Authoress shouted. Heero ran to the first wall and started digging.

* * *

"All right, Duo's next." Authoress waved him over to the starting line. "On your mark, get set, go!"

Duo started running. It took him less time to dig under the wall than it had taken Heero, and soon he was climbing over the net.

* * *

"I'm in the lead so far, but that doesn't mean my colony is safe yet," Trowa decided, waiting for his turn at the obstacle course. "I have to give it everything I've got in this next event."

"Trowa, you're next!"

* * *

"You're next, Quatre!" Authoress called.

With a determined expression, Quatre took his place at the starting line.

* * *

Wufei raced over the cargo net, making every single movement as precisely as he could. _I can't afford to mess this up,_ he thought, starting to climb over the second wall.

* * *

As soon as Wufei had crossed the finish line, Authoress turned to Chibi Authoress. "Come on," she said impatiently. "Tell us who won already!"

Chibi Authoress laughed. "Trowa was the fastest," she said. "Heero, you were the slowest."

Heero growled in frustration, clenching his left fist so hard his entire body bent slightly forward with tension.

Authoress ignored him and started to laugh as though something was very funny. "But guess what? That doesn't matter!"

"You have to do it again!" Chibi Authoress declared proudly. "That was just a practice run. Now you all have to beat your own time, and whoever does it the best wins!"

Quatre spoke for all of them. "We're ready."

* * *

Partway up the second wall, Heero's left hand slipped off the rope and he dropped slightly. He immediately grabbed the rope again and continued to climb.

* * *

Duo pulled himself out of the row of tires and ran for the finish line with his braid flying straight out behind him.

* * *

Trowa threw himself over the finish line and fell headlong on the ground.

"You only beat yourself by one lousy second!" Chibi Authoress crowed, leaning over him with her hands on her hips.

* * *

Quatre jumped down from the top of the second wall and ran toward the hanging tires, driving himself to somehow run even faster than he had the first time.

* * *

Wufei ran past the finish line, not stopping until he was several paces beyond it. Then he walked over to where the other Gundam pilots were standing in a group and waiting to hear who had won the obstacle course.

"Congratulations, Duo!" Authoress announced. "You beat your time by more seconds than anyone else!" Grinning happily, she went on, "Quatre was in second place, followed by Heero, then Wufei, and finally Trowa."

None of the Gundam pilots said anything, but their eyes clearly showed that none of them were feeling happy, not even Duo.

"Now before our last event," Authoress said, "I'm going to tell you boys all about the scoring system. Here's how it works: first place in any event is worth five points, four for second, three points for third, two for fourth place, and one point for being last. Whoever has the most points after all three events, wins the whole game!"

Her eyes sparkled with malice. "That means you get to save your colony, don't forget! So pay attention. How do the points stand so far, Chibi Authoress?"

Chibi Authoress checked some notes on a clipboard she was holding. "Heero and Duo are tied for first place with seven points. Trowa has six, and Quatre and Wufei both have five."

"All right!" Authoress said. "Now it's time for the final event. Chibi Authoress?"

Chibi Authoress jumped up and down, grinning in delight. "It's the bar hang!" she announced, pointing. "See those bars over there? You all have to hang from them and whoever's the last one to fall wins!"

The five Gundam pilots took their places and reached up to grab the bars.

"Are you ready?" Authoress said.

Heero took a firm grip on his bar with both hands, ignoring the pain that shot through his broken arm.

"On your marks... get set... GO!" Authoress waved her hand and the low platforms under each of the Gundam pilots disappeared.

Heero's broken arm gave way as soon as his weight was hanging from it. He crashed to the ground in a heap and stayed there, shaking with anguish.

"I wonder who'll be next?" Chibi Authoress mused cheerfully, munching on a bag of popcorn she was suddenly holding. "Want some?" She offered the popcorn to Authoress, who grabbed a handful.

With a cry of despair, Quatre fell.

"This is getting exciting!" Authoress said. "Only three more to go!" She laughed and grabbed some more popcorn.

Finally Trowa's hands slipped from the bar he was holding. He held his arms out in front of himself and looked down at them in disbelief.

As soon as Trowa fell, Wufei forced himself to let go of his bar. "I didn't have enough points to win anymore," he said, as Duo let go of his own bar.

Heero had gotten to his feet and was standing with his hands on his knees, breathing heavily in exhaustion. "I should've been stronger!"

Duo turned to the other pilots. "Man, I'm sorry, guys!" he told them, his expression unhappy.

Quatre shook his head. "You did what you had to do. We all did."

"Now that we have our winner," Authoress said, "it's time for the grand finale!"

Chibi Authoress started jumping up and down in excitement. "Oh, can I tell them yet?" she demanded, completely unable to contain herself. "Can I? Can I?"

"No, not yet!" Authoress said impatiently. "Besides, I get to tell them. It's my fanfic, after all!"

Chibi Authoress pouted, but started grinning again as soon as Authoress turned to the waiting Gundam pilots.

"Well, boys," Authoress began, entirely too cheerfully, "remember I told you at the beginning of our little game that the winner would get to save his home colony from being destroyed?" Not waiting long enough for the Gundam pilots to answer, she went on, "Well... that's not exactly true. You see -" Authoress paused and grinned, looking almost as if she were about to start jumping up and down herself. "It's not the losers who get their colony destroyed - it's the winner!"

"What?" Duo whispered, stricken.

Authoress and Chibi Authoress laughed, watching the Gundam pilots' reactions as the news had time to sink in.

"The people of my colony will live - because I was too weak to protect them." Wufei's voice was filled with quiet self-condemnation. None of the other Gundams had anything further to say.

"Well now!" Authoress said delightedly. "Mustn't keep the fans waiting, shall we?" Authoress looked up at the sky, raised her right forefinger, and pointed.

Far away, one of the small points of light among the stars - the one that held Duo's home, his family, and the friends he'd grown up with - exploded into a small yet brilliant starburst of pure white, and disappeared.

Duo's mother had told him that men don't scream out loud, but he wasn't thinking about that right now.

-The End-


End file.
